Monday, August 14, 2017

Give Up On Me (Save Yourself)

I've fallen past saving;
I've got too many demons.
Are you read to give up
On me now?
Don't know what I'm doing;
Don't know where I'm going.
Are you ready to give up
On me now?
Thank you for coming;
So sorry to waste your time.
I'm tired of running,
But don't know how
To set things right.
Let me go now,
Just let me go
And save yourself.
I'm too broken to save;
Past my warranty date.
Are you ready to give up
On me now?
I'm too stubborn to change;
Too lost to find my way.
Are you ready to give up
On me now?
Thank you for coming;
So sorry to waste your time.
I'm tired of running,
But I don't know how
To set things right.
Let me go now,
Just let me go
And save yourself.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Hello Is Happiness

Four days.
For four days
I was happy.
Maybe
That is my limit.
Four days.
And then
It happens.
The crash.
The burn.
The fear.
The anger.
The bitterness.
The tears.
The walls.
Why the walls?
Why so high?
Why so thick?
Why so long?
Is it better
To wall up my heart
Then to be 
Walled off
From yours?
Hello
Is happiness.
Goodbye
Is death.
I have never
Felt a pain
Quite like silence.
So I am silent
To you
Before
You
Are silent
To me.


And that
Is still death.
Please,
If you can,
Climb a ladder,
Or fire a cannon.
Don't let me
Shut you out.
Don't let me 
Self destruct.
If you miss me,
I miss you too.

Hello
Is happiness.
Goodbye
Is death.

Why Do I Try?

I don't know
If you want to see me.
I don't know
If I should bother going.
You say we're friends,
But we lost touch,
And you feel a world away.
I know you're busy,
But why do we do this?
Why do we get so busy
With things instead of people?
Do you call people you haven't
Seen
Or spoken to
Or thought of
In weeks
Your friends?
In months?
In years?
Where is the line?
When do you
Finally know it's over?
I feel as though
I'm trying to raise the dead.
I feel as though
I'm still running
In a race that ended yesterday.
I feel as though
I'm waiting outside a store
That will never open again.
I feel as though
I keep calling a number
That's been disconnected.
I feel as though
I'm trying to hold
The moon in the sky.
It's too heavy for me.
I can't do it.
There's no point
In doing it.
Why do I try?
I don't know
If you want to hear from me.
I don't know
If that's the only time
I cross your mind.
I've nearly forgotten
Why you ever cross mine.
This probably
Isn't fair.
This probably
Won't change anything.
This probably
Will never reach you.
You probably
Won't understand.
I don't know
Why I'm writing it;
I don't know
What else to do.
I'm sorry.
I've said it
A thousand times;
You probably want
To smack me,
Like a broken cd player.
But it's still true.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.

Alone

You feel so small.
I know,
Because I feel small, too.
You feel lost.
You feel broken.
You feel helpless.
You feel alone.
But you are not as alone
As you think.
I know,
Because I feel alone, too.
In the darkest hour of night
When your head hurts
And your pillow feels hard
And your feet are too cold
And the tears won't stop
But you have to be quiet
Because how would you explain
If they found you --
When you reach your hand out
And grab the edge of your sheet
Because you have nothing else
To hold onto,
And no one else is there,
You are not the only one.
I am gripping the edge of my sheet
Or my pillow,
Or tearing at my own skin
Like a lifeline.
You are not alone.
When you think
All you have to hold onto
Is a cold bed sheet,
Close your eyes,
And hold your hand instead,
And imagine it is my hand.
I will be imaging that I am holding yours.
Because that's all we want, isn't it?
A hand to hold onto;
To know that we aren't alone.
And tomorrow
Might not be any better;
Every face you look at
May look dumb
And lifeless,
And you may wonder
"Maybe we are lifeless.
Maybe we have nothing
To hold onto."
But don't let go.
Don't give up.
Because if I go,
Who's hand
Will you hold onto?
And if you go,
Who's hand
Will I hold onto?
Please hold on.
I don't want to be alone.

Save some money on "The Words"!


Sunday, August 6, 2017

The Wait

Please don't give up on me
When I give up on myself;
Please don't think I'm a stranger
When I don't sound like myself.
I know it's hard for you;
You know it's hard for me.
But I always find my way back
To who I used to be.
It's been a long wait,
But now maybe it's over.
Just seeing your name
Takes so much weight off of my shoulders.
I'm trying to give it time;
This might not be what I think.
But I was glad you said hello,
And I feel farther from the brink.
I'd forgotten about happy;
I'd forgotten about smiles.
But now you make me think
It was worth waiting awhile.
I won't say I love you;
I don't know if it's that.
But you won't hear me complain
If it blossoms into that.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

(The Possibility of) Something Good

It's the possibility of something good.
It fell out of the sky and into my lap,
Like a gift from Heaven
That I haven't opened yet.
And I am happy,
Not least of all
Because I wasn't expecting it.
It's the possibility of something good,
And just sitting here like normal,
Every now and then a smile
Creeps onto my face,
Like a ripple in the ocean,
And I feel warm and safe.
If anyone had told me
"Tomorrow, things will be much better,"
I would have thought they were crazy.
And yet, today
I have the possibility of something good,
And I am happy.
It's only a possibility;
It may come to nothing,
But the possibility itself is something good.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Don't Forget About Me

When I wander all alone
Looking for some kind of home,
Wondering who I will see,
Don't forget about me.
When I break my heart in pieces,
Lose myself in some dark places,
Not sure who I'm supposed to be,
Don't forget about me.
I hope that you'll be happy;
I hope that you'll be carefree;
I hope that you'll find all that you need,
And I hope that you'll remember me.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

If This Is Life

There is something slithering
Just beneath my skin.
If this is life,
Creeping beneath my surface,
I don't want it.
Tear it out of me
Like a scream,
Like a shower of tears,
Like a bad dream.
There is something crawling
Up my spine,
Whispering dark secrets
In my ear.
If this is life,
Shivering in my bones,
I can't bear it.
Squeeze it out of me.
Slice it.
Beat it.
Starve it.
Crush it.
Burn it.
Drown it.
Do whatever you must.
But if this is life,
Take it away.
I can't hold it anymore.

I Don't Feel Safe

Wrap me under your cloak.
Let me pretend to be untouchable.
Forgive me if I seem to doubt you;
I don't feel safe.
A day of reckoning is coming.
The odds are not in my favour.
I can feel the darkness in my chest;
I don't feel safe.
Am I unforgivable?
Are you going to wake up one day,
And suddenly see me differently?
I don't feel safe.
If I walk away now, will you forget me?
Will I vanish in my own darkness?
Will I damn my own soul?
I don't feel safe.
You are not weak.
You are not cruel.
But you can not save me from myself.
I don't feel safe.
I must collapse against the wall,
So that I know it isn't caving in.
But I can not collapse against my heart.
I don't feel safe.
These doors are so close;
They're not even locked.
But I can't even rise to open them.
I don't feel safe.
I am weak and deflated.
I hear my heart beat like a hammer,
Breaking me to pieces.
I don't feel safe.
If I push you away, will I be unforgivable?
Will I be banishing myself forever?
Will I be damning my own soul?
I don't feel safe.

I don't feel safe...

Friday, July 14, 2017

Just Friends

Love don't have to mean wedding bells;
I can love you just as well
As your friend;
Maybe even better.
Love don't have to mean a wedding ring;
I'm not here expecting anything.
I know that we are just friends.
I won't try to change your mind;
I'm better off trying to change mine.
I wanna thank you for being so kind;
I'm so glad you're my friend.
But still, late at night,
I can feel so alone sometimes;
I start to think about you and I,
And what might have been.
But it's a waste of time;
I have wasted so much time.
Especially mine.
I know that I'm just a friend.
All we'll ever be is just friends.
All you want to be is just friends.
All he ever sees is just friends.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

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Friday, July 7, 2017

Bad Friend

It's 2am.
I shouldn't be up,
But my mind doesn't care.
It's asking me
Why I am such a coward?
Why I am such a bad friend?
If I really cared about them,
I wouldn't be breathing right now.
Everything I do is selfish.
Even when I do the right thing,
It's for the wrong reasons.
They can claim that they'd miss me,
But they can't name one thing
They'd miss about me.
I am replaceable.
I am forgettable.
The most valuable thing about me
Is my organs.
Why am I such a coward?
Why am I such a bad friend?
If I really cared about them,
I wouldn't be breathing right now.
I shouldn't be breathing right now.
It's 2:05am.

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Thursday, July 6, 2017

SALE!!!

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Wednesday, July 5, 2017

I'm Afraid

I'm afraid you read these words,
And afraid that you don't;
Afraid of what you'll think,
And afraid of what you won't.
I'm afraid to be seen;
Afraid to be alone.
There are monsters in my head
When you're here, and when you're gone.
I'm afraid to look at you,
And afraid to look away.
Afraid to take the bill,
And afraid to let you pay.
I'm afraid to leave my house,
And afraid to stay at home;
Afraid to shut you out,
And afraid I'll talk too long.
I'm afraid to smile,
And afraid to laugh too loud.
I'm afraid to be too quiet,
And to make too much sound.
I'm afraid to say I love you,
And afraid to say goodbye;
Afraid to tell the truth,
And afraid to tell a lie.
I'm afraid to be your friend,
And afraid to go away.
I'm afraid you'll think I'm mean,
So I'm afraid to stay.
I'm afraid to stand,
And afraid I shouldn't sit.
I'm afraid you'll think I'm boring,
Or a total twit.
I'm afraid that you'll worry;
Afraid you think that I'm okay.
Maybe I'm too scared
To make it through another day.

Follow Me On SoundCloud!

https://soundcloud.com/monica-stuckwisch

Monday, July 3, 2017

Thin Line

I walk a thin line
Between the truth and a lie;
I walk a thin line
Between the devil and an angel.
I walk a thin line
Between living and dying;
I walk a thin line
Between heaven and hell.
My feet aren't too steady;
I think I'm falling.
No one's holding on to me;
No one is calling.
If I fall
I think I'll just disappear.
No one will recall
That I was once here.
But that's alright;
I'm still walking.
It's a thin line,
But at least I'm walking.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Fight For This

Breathing out,
Breathing in;
Going out,
Coming in.
I have to fight for this;
I don't want to fight for this.
Lying down,
Rising again;
Eyes shut,
And opening.
I have to fight for this;
I don't want to fight for this.
Is this all there is?
Is it really worth all this?
I just feel like giving in;
I keep waiting for it all to end.
I don't want to fight for this;
I don't want to fight for this.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Lip Sync

She can't lip sync like me;
She's cold to you, and not that pretty.
You will never be happy like we could be,
And everyone says you belong with me.
I'm not as perfect as I'd like to be,
And I might have a messy history,
But I'm trying so hard,
And it's gotten me to where you are;
Don't say that doesn't mean something.
Don't give up without trying;
Don't let her hurt you like she has been,
When all I want to to offer you is lovin'
Lovin'.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

My Feelings

My feelings are my own.
They are not the world's to gape at,
And they are not yours.
I know...
I was once comfortable
Sharing them with you,
And I shared them openly.
But I am not now,
And I have locked them up.
That is my right,
Because they are mine,
And mine alone.
They are not the world's to gape at,
And they have never been yours.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Who I Am

Lost somewhere;
It's a deadly cycle,
Trying to change
And thinking I have.
I hoped too much
Then broke down crying.
I don't know who I am.
Don't lie to me;
I know you're lying.
Everything sounds like a lie.
I can feel
My mouth moving;
Is it telling you goodbye?
I want to be alone;
Why am I lonely?
Am I two
People in one?
I need you to stay;
Please don't leave me.
And yet my heart
Is on the run.
You try to tell me
You're not angry.
You say that I
Should get some sleep.
I'll lie down,
But I'm not sleeping;
I keep wondering who
I'm supposed to be.
I hoped too much,
Then broke down crying;
I have done all that I can.
Don't say we're friends;
I know you're lying.
I just don't know
Who I am.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

$$$

I might not make any difference, but if you're looking to save money on my book, these codes will:


I Make No Difference

I make no difference in your life.
I make no difference, even in mine.
The sun gets up,
And the sun falls down,
But I stay in the same place.
It's better this way.
Not for me, maybe.
Not for me, definitely.
But for you it is,
And what's best for me doesn't matter.
Because I make no difference.
If I am there, you won't notice.
If I am gone,
You will notice even less.
All it would take
Is the smallest of actions,
And then, no actions at all;
Not even a breath.
And it will make no difference.
Not to the world.
Not even to you.
Especially not to you.
Better to make no difference
Than to do you harm.
Better to do myself harm
Than to make no difference to you.
Maybe tomorrow.
But I always think that, don't I?
Not only this.
Everything waits for tomorrow.
Tomorrow doesn't wait til I'm ready.
Well.
It makes no difference.

Thank You For Trying

The weight feels lighter;
The sun shines much brighter.
My eyes are much dryer again.
I thought it would be harder;
I thought it would last longer,
But you are much kinder than that.
The static has lessened;
The pressure has lifted.
My heart doesn't sound quite so loud.
Thank you for listening;
Thank you for trying.
Thank you for being my friend.

I Have Lost Myself

I look in the mirror,
Trying to find myself.
I have the same blood and bones
That carried me safely through childhood,
But I have lost myself.
I defined myself
By things that ended up changing,
And I have lost myself.
Even my skin
Has died, and been replaced.
I am not the same,
Inside or out.
I have lost myself.
I have lost myself;
Who can find me?

The Old and the New

It's the same old heart,
In a new shade of blue.
It's the same old song
To a different tune.
You say the same goodbye
With a fresh set of tears.
It's the same ending
To a brand new year.
You get a new cut
On a healing wound;
You try to hide it,
But the pain bleeds through.
You miss your friends,
But don't say anything,
Because they don't have time,
And you don't mean a thing.
You try to move on
Like the rest of them do.
They share their stories,
But you're the same old you.
They say they love you,
But it doesn't sound true.
You think you don't care,
Til they look past you.
They're living their futures;
You're stuck in the past.
They ask you your plans,
But you have nothing like that.
You're dying to leave;
You have nowhere to go
Your friends are all strangers
You just used to know.
You start to wonder
"Would anyone miss me?"
And you sum it all up
By saying you're sorry.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Thoughts

I try to clear my head,
But my mind's not listening.
If I tried to sleep,
My thoughts would start hissing.
I take a hot shower
To burn the thoughts off,
But the water never seems
To get hot enough.
My skin starts to peel,
And my head starts to spin,
But the thoughts still find
A way to get in.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Price Drop!


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Sunday, May 28, 2017

New Life

There is a tiny life inside you
Growing
Forming a curve in your silhouette
That was not previously there.
I kneel
And I hear a heartbeat
And I know.
This is something precious.
This is something more valuable
Then anything money can buy.
This is a miracle.
A chill runs through me.
The world makes me afraid for this child,
But this child gives me hope for the world.
I would knock down walls, 
I would burn down forests,
I would crawl up mountains
To protect this child.
And if this child,
This small person we haven't met yet,
Is worth so much,
Maybe
Maybe I am too?

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Breath

There is nothing between us and death
But breath --
That rising and falling of your chest
That you hardly ever think about.
It could be snuffed out like a candle
Or plucked like a flower
At any given moment.
And then it is all over --
Everything you spent it doing and saying
Has come to an end,
And little good it does you.
If there is nothing after death,
Why is such a little thing so terrifying?
If there is a Heaven,
Why does something so simple
Bring grown men to their knees?
If I am going to Hell,
What does it matter whether I go tonight,
Or tomorrow,
Or sometime next month?
I am so tired;
A tired so deep,
Simply sleeping can not fill it.
The constant beating of my heart
Exhausts me.
I could fill pages
And pages
With all the reasons
To pull the blanket of death over me,
And wash my tired eyes with its eternal slumber,
But a strong guard stands between me
And the rest my bones ache for:
Fear.
Cowardice keeps me in this world,
Like the last of the peanut butter
You can never quite get out of the jar.
My hungry eyes stare at death
Like a juicy, tender steak,
And fear holds it just out of my reach.
And so I breathe.

SAB Archives

A poem I posted on Facebook a year ago that apparently never made it here...


But when you fall apart,
Look up at your old smile,
And put it back in your heart.
If the fancy strikes you,
To go so, so far away,
At least keep the key
In your pocket on a chain.
Go on, and look around you;
If you don't find what you're looking for,
Turn around and come back again,
And welcome in the door.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Human Balloons

It is far too late to be up,
But I am.
I don't know where my mind is.
I'm afraid she is lost somewhere in the dark,
And won't come home.
I have left the light on for her,
And I am waiting.
Perhaps she will come home wiser,
And painted with new experiences,
Or perhaps she will only be sore and tired,
And droop to the ground like a deflated balloon.
When I was small --
Smaller --
Much smaller --
I thought teenagers were the pinnacle of wisdom
And put-togetherness.
Then twenties.
Surely their hearts and minds
Never run off in opposite directions.
Now I know
It isn't thirty or forty or one hundred;
We are all acting;
Children are easily fooled.
A successful day is a day
Where you get out of bed,
Put on your shoes,
Go to work,
And end up back in your bed at night
Without killing yourself
Or anyone else.
Is that really growing up,
Or is it deflating?

Who Leaves

We can never really know
Who will stay, and who will go.
I'm shocked to look at yesterdays,
And see I'm the one who went away.
After all my fear of being left behind,
I'm the one who runs and hides.
Why can't I see where I'm going?
Maybe growth comes in not knowing.
I can never thank you enough
For taking me back when I ran off.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Here are some pictures for you...

https://www.facebook.com/monica.stuckwisch.3/media_set?set=a.863797070408417.1073741862.100003343971573&type=3&pnref=story

In The Morning

Dark shapes loom over me;
Alien shapes loom over me.
Early in the morning,
When everything's still blurry.
In the cold, I'm shivering.
In the dark, I'm shaking.
Carefully, I --
I stumble.
Carefully, I --
I fall.
Loose, my thoughts are floating;
In a fog, they're floating.
Like a flood of tiny lanterns,
Bobbing in my mind.
In the dark, I'm reaching.
Through the dark, I'm reaching.
Carefully, I --
I topple.
Carefully, I --
I drop.
Quietly, morning touches me.
Softly, morning touches me.
Early, in my bedroom,
While my head is still a blur.
In the silence, I listen.
I blink away the night.
Carefully, I stretch.
Carefully I stand up.
 Carefully, I walk over
To turn on the light.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Grounding


I wrap my arms around me
To place myself in the world.
Here I am; I have flesh and bone.
I'm not just a ghost; I'm a girl.
Your hug feels like the universe
Collapsing in on me.
Don't go away, just give me space;
I can hardly breathe.
Hold my hand; please don't go.
Let me be sure of you.
My thoughts are so crowded
I need something solid
To remind me what is true.

Friday, May 12, 2017

I Hope You're Not Lonely/Please Say Something

Why can't I move on?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I meet people
When it just ends like that?
I hate myself
For letting you in,
But I wish to God
We could try again.
I don't want to die;
I can't keep breathing.
I think I'll give in
Since nobody needs me.
It's been three months;
I still hear your name.
It's my fault for leaving,
But I wish you had stayed.
I don't think you care;
It's good that I'm gone.
I hope you're not lonely,
But I feel so alone.
Why does it hurt?
Just get out of my head.
I still cry in the shower
And hide in my bed.
I still read those words
That eat at my heart;
It's more than "for now,"
And more than "apart."
Why do I do this?
Why can't I let go?
You mattered more
Than you'll ever know.
I shouldn't talk to your sister;
I shouldn't talk to your mom.
I don't know why they stay
When they know that you're gone.
Is this normal now?
Will this pain last forever?
Will I still miss you
In warmer weather?
I hate goodbyes;
You know that I do.
I hate the goodbye
That I said to you.
If it crosses your mind
To be friends again,
Please say something;
I didn't want it to end.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

This Is Not A Song

I usually post songs, poetry, whatever you want to call it. This is not one of those. This is a serious post.
You need to understand something.
Depression and Anxiety are not romantic. They are not a trend. They are not made up. They aren't something you can keep in your pocket and pull out when you want attention. They're real.
People who don't have or understand Depression and Anxiety often make misguided attempts to cheer those who do up. They might try to tell us that "it gets better." But here's the thing: It really doesn't.
You believe that the sun will set every night, because so far, every night, it has set. You believe the sun will rise every morning, because so far, every morning, it has risen. I am just as sure that my Depression and Anxiety are not going anywhere, and yet, because you aren't experiencing it, you think I'm just being negative or crazy.
But they don't go to sleep when I go to bed. They don't lift off of me with the blankets when I get up in the morning. They don't take Christmas or weekends off. They don't clock out when I clock into work. They don't take a vacation when I go on a road trip. They don't get thrown out with the wrapping paper on my birthday. They have outlasted friendships, and some friendships they've had a hand in ending. They've sat on my shoulders throughout books and movies and recitals and car rides and classes and church services.They have whispered criticism in my ears whenever I've said or done or failed to do anything. They've laughed and argued whenever anyone has tried to compliment me or tell me they love me.
So don't tell me it will get better. Some days I will be strong enough to fight through it, and some days I might not be, but it won't go away. That is what I'm living with, but I am still alive.
Don't stare me intently in the eyes and ask me how I'm doing every time you see me. Don't try to fix me, and for God's sake don't treat me like a child. I am not glass, and you are not God. You can neither fix me, nor do you need to tip-toe around me to avoid crushing me.
The Depression and Anxiety aren't going anywhere. But I am not my Depression and Anxiety. I am not perfect, and I am not innocent, but I am not defined by the darkness lurking inside of me. I am human -- just as human as you are. Remember that.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Miss Mary

A song I wrote a year ago and apparently never posted. I like this one. If I hadn't forgotten about it, I would have put it in "The Words."

Oh Mary, Mary,
Your garden hasn't been growing lately;
You thought by now you'd be married with a child.
But the only thing growing is weeds,
And you haven't seen your love in awhile.
Oh darling, it's not your fault;
Eventually he'll come around.
Oh darling, it's not his fault;
He's just been out of town.
Winter comes, and it's no surprise
That with the freeze your flowers die,
But Spring will come around again,
And you'll be back to gardening.
Oh Mary, Mary,
Oh my darling,
Don't you cry.

Monday, May 1, 2017

"The Words" on SOOP!

https://marketplace.soopllc.com/directory/adult-literary-fiction/the-words/#geodir_author

Sunday, April 30, 2017

No One Knows But Me

Life is gray around the edges, and in all the empty spaces where you used to be; gray, trying to replace the irreplaceable.
And you don't know.
My vision is fuzzy; the world is static, as though the show can't go on without you.
And no one knows.
The music has stopped; all the memories play on repeat and shuffle, because we aren't making any news ones.
And no one knows but me.
My heart beats too loudly. I can hear it over everything else. I can feel it trying to burst from my chest, as though it doesn't belong.
"Shut up, shut up."
But it doesn't shut up. I am too alive.
And you don't know.
I go to bed cold and wide awake. I get up hot and tired.
I shuffle around this place like a ghost in chains, but I feel like I'm somewhere else. Somewhere​ else​, but​ where​? Nowhere​. Is nowhere​ a place? It is. For​ me, it is.
And no one knows.
"I don't need friends."
I don't need friends...
I realize now that I am alone. More alone than I thought I could be. More alone than I thought I would be without you. Now I realize there is no one else, and I didn't see it while you were here. But you did. You did.
And no one else knows.
No one knows but me.

Listen

Do you think the world is silent at 3 am?
Listen.
Listen.
This is when all the secret, hidden sounds sneak in.
Do you hear them?
A hum.
A buzz.
A creak.
A groan.
A sigh.
A chirp.
A breath.
A moan.
Listen.
Listen.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Remember Me Fondly

Someone I'll never be;
Something I'll never see.
Someone I'll never hold;
Something I'll never let go of.
Somewhere I'll never go;
Something I'll never show.
Something I'll never say;
Someplace I cannot stay.
Somethings just had to change;
Our lives we rearranged.
For a time we were close,
Time passed and we had to go.
I will remember you;
Do you recall me to?
Was it all worth the pain?
Would you do it again?
Or am I a regret
You wish you'd never met?
If we had not parted ways
So early on
What else would have changed?
Would we have ever gone?
I'll hold it in my heart,
That time you shared with me.
That time is over now,
But I treasure the memory.
Something we'll never have;
Something that didn't last.
I know all that is past,
But remember me fondly.
I had to say goodbye;
I hope that you know why.
And though it wasn't fair,
Please know I'll always care.
Could you find it in your heart,
To forgive me for my part?
If you remember me,
Please remember me fondly.
Not as I never was;
Not as I'll never be.
The girl who was fond of you;
Remember her fondly.

We Aren't Friends Anymore

I think
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
That don't mean we're enemies;
That don't have to mean a thing.
I just thought you should know
That we aren't friends anymore.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I can't try anymore.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I think it's time I let you go.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I'm just telling you
What I already know.
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Friends talk,
But we don't talk.
No, we don't say a thing.
Friends are there,
But we aren't near,
Can't be friends with
Somebody that you never see.
Friends care,
But do you care?
Did you ever really care about me?
So we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
Can't be friends with someone
That you always ignore.
So we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
That don't make us enemies;
That don't make us anything.
I just thought you should know
That we aren't friends anymore.

Will You? Will I?

If I run,
Will you follow me?
Will you wait for me?
Or will you let me go;
Move on, forget me?
If I hide,
Will you look for me?
Will you call my name?
Will you cry?
Will you feel anything?
I'm looking for a reason
To stay,
But I don't know
If I should keep looking.
I hold on to every word
You say,
But I don't know
If I should keep holding.
We feel so far apart;
Is it you?
Is it me?
Is it us?
Is it something
We could change,
If we tried everything?
There's a voice inside
Telling me to run,
Telling me to hide,
Telling me to leave
Before it's too late.
Should I listen?
Should I obey?
Do you care
Either way?
Will I find
Something better,
Or miss what I had?
Or will I find
I never even had that?

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Easy

Sadness
Anger
Resentment
Pity
Reluctance
Relief
Amusement
Scorn
Any of these, I could understand,
But you display none of them.
Even though I look,
I find nothing;
Nothing -- the one thing
I thought you were incapable of.
You say you have no strong opinion;
What I hear is that you don't care.
I may have been the one to leave,
Yet your friendship meant the world to me;
Did all that time mean nothing to you?
Of course;
I needed you, and you gave,
And you gave,
But you never needed me.
Was it all wasted time?
I saw this coming,
And I was still unprepared.
I never thought it was wasted time
Until it was all over.
Endings are not going back
To before it all began;
They are a new thing,
All their own.
I don't know what to do
With all of these feelings;
There are so many,
And they seem to contradict each other,
And yet, they all come from the same place.
A place you reconstructed
And then evacuated;
A place deep within me.
A place I used to go to hide
When the world got to be too much.
I don't know how to put it back the way it was;
I don't know if I want to.
I don't even know if I should.
Is there value in what you've done here?
In the floorboards you've torn up,
And the walls you've knocked in,
And the bits and pieces that you've added?
I don't know what all of them are;
I'm still trying to sort them out.
I'm afraid to touch anything,
Or look inward at myself.
If I take a wrong step,
Will my whole heart cave in?
I wish I had a map,
Or an instruction manual,
Or a number I could call
And you know I hate making calls;
Something, anything, that would tell me
Who I am,
And how to navigate this new life.
I'm sorry;
It's the wrong thing to say,
But I've had so much practice saying it
Nothing else will come out.
I'm sorry;
I've never met anyone who was easy.
You were worth it;
To me, you were worth it.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
I've never met anyone who was easy,
But this is my mind, my heart;
Somehow I thought
That would make it easier
To understand them.