Sunday, April 30, 2017

No One Knows But Me

Life is gray around the edges, and in all the empty spaces where you used to be; gray, trying to replace the irreplaceable.
And you don't know.
My vision is fuzzy; the world is static, as though the show can't go on without you.
And no one knows.
The music has stopped; all the memories play on repeat and shuffle, because we aren't making any news ones.
And no one knows but me.
My heart beats too loudly. I can hear it over everything else. I can feel it trying to burst from my chest, as though it doesn't belong.
"Shut up, shut up."
But it doesn't shut up. I am too alive.
And you don't know.
I go to bed cold and wide awake. I get up hot and tired.
I shuffle around this place like a ghost in chains, but I feel like I'm somewhere else. Somewhere​ else​, but​ where​? Nowhere​. Is nowhere​ a place? It is. For​ me, it is.
And no one knows.
"I don't need friends."
I don't need friends...
I realize now that I am alone. More alone than I thought I could be. More alone than I thought I would be without you. Now I realize there is no one else, and I didn't see it while you were here. But you did. You did.
And no one else knows.
No one knows but me.


Do you think the world is silent at 3 am?
This is when all the secret, hidden sounds sneak in.
Do you hear them?
A hum.
A buzz.
A creak.
A groan.
A sigh.
A chirp.
A breath.
A moan.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Remember Me Fondly

Someone I'll never be;
Something I'll never see.
Someone I'll never hold;
Something I'll never let go of.
Somewhere I'll never go;
Something I'll never show.
Something I'll never say;
Someplace I cannot stay.
Somethings just had to change;
Our lives we rearranged.
For a time we were close,
Time passed and we had to go.
I will remember you;
Do you recall me to?
Was it all worth the pain?
Would you do it again?
Or am I a regret
You wish you'd never met?
If we had not parted ways
So early on
What else would have changed?
Would we have ever gone?
I'll hold it in my heart,
That time you shared with me.
That time is over now,
But I treasure the memory.
Something we'll never have;
Something that didn't last.
I know all that is past,
But remember me fondly.
I had to say goodbye;
I hope that you know why.
And though it wasn't fair,
Please know I'll always care.
Could you find it in your heart,
To forgive me for my part?
If you remember me,
Please remember me fondly.
Not as I never was;
Not as I'll never be.
The girl who was fond of you;
Remember her fondly.

We Aren't Friends Anymore

I think
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
That don't mean we're enemies;
That don't have to mean a thing.
I just thought you should know
That we aren't friends anymore.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I can't try anymore.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I think it's time I let you go.
I'm tired;
So tired.
I'm just telling you
What I already know.
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Friends talk,
But we don't talk.
No, we don't say a thing.
Friends are there,
But we aren't near,
Can't be friends with
Somebody that you never see.
Friends care,
But do you care?
Did you ever really care about me?
So we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
Can't be friends with someone
That you always ignore.
So we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore
Baby, we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
Maybe we aren't friends anymore.
No, we aren't friends anymore.
That don't make us enemies;
That don't make us anything.
I just thought you should know
That we aren't friends anymore.

Will You? Will I?

If I run,
Will you follow me?
Will you wait for me?
Or will you let me go;
Move on, forget me?
If I hide,
Will you look for me?
Will you call my name?
Will you cry?
Will you feel anything?
I'm looking for a reason
To stay,
But I don't know
If I should keep looking.
I hold on to every word
You say,
But I don't know
If I should keep holding.
We feel so far apart;
Is it you?
Is it me?
Is it us?
Is it something
We could change,
If we tried everything?
There's a voice inside
Telling me to run,
Telling me to hide,
Telling me to leave
Before it's too late.
Should I listen?
Should I obey?
Do you care
Either way?
Will I find
Something better,
Or miss what I had?
Or will I find
I never even had that?

Saturday, April 22, 2017


Any of these, I could understand,
But you display none of them.
Even though I look,
I find nothing;
Nothing -- the one thing
I thought you were incapable of.
You say you have no strong opinion;
What I hear is that you don't care.
I may have been the one to leave,
Yet your friendship meant the world to me;
Did all that time mean nothing to you?
Of course;
I needed you, and you gave,
And you gave,
But you never needed me.
Was it all wasted time?
I saw this coming,
And I was still unprepared.
I never thought it was wasted time
Until it was all over.
Endings are not going back
To before it all began;
They are a new thing,
All their own.
I don't know what to do
With all of these feelings;
There are so many,
And they seem to contradict each other,
And yet, they all come from the same place.
A place you reconstructed
And then evacuated;
A place deep within me.
A place I used to go to hide
When the world got to be too much.
I don't know how to put it back the way it was;
I don't know if I want to.
I don't even know if I should.
Is there value in what you've done here?
In the floorboards you've torn up,
And the walls you've knocked in,
And the bits and pieces that you've added?
I don't know what all of them are;
I'm still trying to sort them out.
I'm afraid to touch anything,
Or look inward at myself.
If I take a wrong step,
Will my whole heart cave in?
I wish I had a map,
Or an instruction manual,
Or a number I could call
And you know I hate making calls;
Something, anything, that would tell me
Who I am,
And how to navigate this new life.
I'm sorry;
It's the wrong thing to say,
But I've had so much practice saying it
Nothing else will come out.
I'm sorry;
I've never met anyone who was easy.
You were worth it;
To me, you were worth it.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
I've never met anyone who was easy,
But this is my mind, my heart;
Somehow I thought
That would make it easier
To understand them.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

In Case You Weren't Aware

I wish that you'd leave me alone;
I wish that you'd stop talking.
I wish that you would let me go;
That's why I keep walking.
I tired of your questions.
I'm tired of your stares.
I'm tired of your pity;
I don't want you to care.
I wish you wouldn't come;
I wish that you would leave.
If I'm feeling sad,
Then just let me be.
I don't want you to cheer me up;
I don't want you to listen.
I don't want you to give advice;
I don't want hugs or kisses.
I don't want your company;
I don't want you around.
If you are sitting in the boat,
Then I would rather drown.
In case you weren't aware,
Now I've finally told you.
You can't claim you don't know,
When the words unfold before you.

The Aftermath

I should feel happy;
You're not angry or hurt.
But it makes no difference to you,
And that makes me feel worse.
I thought that we were friends,
But now I think I'm wrong;
Things seem so complicated
Now that you are gone.
What do I think I'm doing,
Going to your place?
You don't want to see me,
And maybe I need space.
I want to ask you if you trust me,
But I'm afraid to know the truth,
And I'm just now realizing,
That I don't really trust you.
In three days I said I'm going;
Who am I going for?
I used to have friends there,
But I don't know them anymore.
I don't know if I can do this,
But it's too late to back out;
I'm asking God, myself, the river,
If there's a third option now.
I hate having a heart;
I hate having a mind.
I'm tired of meeting people
Who just leave me behind.
Was it worth it all?
Would you have done it if you'd known?
Was it all a waste of time?
Why can't I be happy all alone?
I'm trying to sort the pieces
In our friendship's aftermath;
I've got contradicting feelings
And anxiety attacks.
I'd do anything to fix it;
I wish I could go back.
When the wheel starts to spin,
You can't fix something like that.