Saturday, April 22, 2017

Easy

Sadness
Anger
Resentment
Pity
Reluctance
Relief
Amusement
Scorn
Any of these, I could understand,
But you display none of them.
Even though I look,
I find nothing;
Nothing -- the one thing
I thought you were incapable of.
You say you have no strong opinion;
What I hear is that you don't care.
I may have been the one to leave,
Yet your friendship meant the world to me;
Did all that time mean nothing to you?
Of course;
I needed you, and you gave,
And you gave,
But you never needed me.
Was it all wasted time?
I saw this coming,
And I was still unprepared.
I never thought it was wasted time
Until it was all over.
Endings are not going back
To before it all began;
They are a new thing,
All their own.
I don't know what to do
With all of these feelings;
There are so many,
And they seem to contradict each other,
And yet, they all come from the same place.
A place you reconstructed
And then evacuated;
A place deep within me.
A place I used to go to hide
When the world got to be too much.
I don't know how to put it back the way it was;
I don't know if I want to.
I don't even know if I should.
Is there value in what you've done here?
In the floorboards you've torn up,
And the walls you've knocked in,
And the bits and pieces that you've added?
I don't know what all of them are;
I'm still trying to sort them out.
I'm afraid to touch anything,
Or look inward at myself.
If I take a wrong step,
Will my whole heart cave in?
I wish I had a map,
Or an instruction manual,
Or a number I could call
And you know I hate making calls;
Something, anything, that would tell me
Who I am,
And how to navigate this new life.
I'm sorry;
It's the wrong thing to say,
But I've had so much practice saying it
Nothing else will come out.
I'm sorry;
I've never met anyone who was easy.
You were worth it;
To me, you were worth it.
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
I've never met anyone who was easy,
But this is my mind, my heart;
Somehow I thought
That would make it easier
To understand them.


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