Monday, May 29, 2017

Price Drop!

"The Words" is now $22. Use code LULU20 today to get it for $17.60! Just follow the shopping link to the right. 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

New Life

There is a tiny life inside you
Forming a curve in your silhouette
That was not previously there.
I kneel
And I hear a heartbeat
And I know.
This is something precious.
This is something more valuable
Then anything money can buy.
This is a miracle.
A chill runs through me.
The world makes me afraid for this child,
But this child gives me hope for the world.
I would knock down walls, 
I would burn down forests,
I would crawl up mountains
To protect this child.
And if this child,
This small person we haven't met yet,
Is worth so much,
Maybe I am too?

Saturday, May 27, 2017


There is nothing between us and death
But breath --
That rising and falling of your chest
That you hardly ever think about.
It could be snuffed out like a candle
Or plucked like a flower
At any given moment.
And then it is all over --
Everything you spent it doing and saying
Has come to an end,
And little good it does you.
If there is nothing after death,
Why is such a little thing so terrifying?
If there is a Heaven,
Why does something so simple
Bring grown men to their knees?
If I am going to Hell,
What does it matter whether I go tonight,
Or tomorrow,
Or sometime next month?
I am so tired;
A tired so deep,
Simply sleeping can not fill it.
The constant beating of my heart
Exhausts me.
I could fill pages
And pages
With all the reasons
To pull the blanket of death over me,
And wash my tired eyes with its eternal slumber,
But a strong guard stands between me
And the rest my bones ache for:
Cowardice keeps me in this world,
Like the last of the peanut butter
You can never quite get out of the jar.
My hungry eyes stare at death
Like a juicy, tender steak,
And fear holds it just out of my reach.
And so I breathe.

SAB Archives

A poem I posted on Facebook a year ago that apparently never made it here...

But when you fall apart,
Look up at your old smile,
And put it back in your heart.
If the fancy strikes you,
To go so, so far away,
At least keep the key
In your pocket on a chain.
Go on, and look around you;
If you don't find what you're looking for,
Turn around and come back again,
And welcome in the door.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Human Balloons

It is far too late to be up,
But I am.
I don't know where my mind is.
I'm afraid she is lost somewhere in the dark,
And won't come home.
I have left the light on for her,
And I am waiting.
Perhaps she will come home wiser,
And painted with new experiences,
Or perhaps she will only be sore and tired,
And droop to the ground like a deflated balloon.
When I was small --
Smaller --
Much smaller --
I thought teenagers were the pinnacle of wisdom
And put-togetherness.
Then twenties.
Surely their hearts and minds
Never run off in opposite directions.
Now I know
It isn't thirty or forty or one hundred;
We are all acting;
Children are easily fooled.
A successful day is a day
Where you get out of bed,
Put on your shoes,
Go to work,
And end up back in your bed at night
Without killing yourself
Or anyone else.
Is that really growing up,
Or is it deflating?

Who Leaves

We can never really know
Who will stay, and who will go.
I'm shocked to look at yesterdays,
And see I'm the one who went away.
After all my fear of being left behind,
I'm the one who runs and hides.
Why can't I see where I'm going?
Maybe growth comes in not knowing.
I can never thank you enough
For taking me back when I ran off.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Here are some pictures for you...

In The Morning

Dark shapes loom over me;
Alien shapes loom over me.
Early in the morning,
When everything's still blurry.
In the cold, I'm shivering.
In the dark, I'm shaking.
Carefully, I --
I stumble.
Carefully, I --
I fall.
Loose, my thoughts are floating;
In a fog, they're floating.
Like a flood of tiny lanterns,
Bobbing in my mind.
In the dark, I'm reaching.
Through the dark, I'm reaching.
Carefully, I --
I topple.
Carefully, I --
I drop.
Quietly, morning touches me.
Softly, morning touches me.
Early, in my bedroom,
While my head is still a blur.
In the silence, I listen.
I blink away the night.
Carefully, I stretch.
Carefully I stand up.
 Carefully, I walk over
To turn on the light.

Sunday, May 14, 2017


I wrap my arms around me
To place myself in the world.
Here I am; I have flesh and bone.
I'm not just a ghost; I'm a girl.
Your hug feels like the universe
Collapsing in on me.
Don't go away, just give me space;
I can hardly breathe.
Hold my hand; please don't go.
Let me be sure of you.
My thoughts are so crowded
I need something solid
To remind me what is true.

Friday, May 12, 2017

I Hope You're Not Lonely/Please Say Something

Why can't I move on?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I meet people
When it just ends like that?
I hate myself
For letting you in,
But I wish to God
We could try again.
I don't want to die;
I can't keep breathing.
I think I'll give in
Since nobody needs me.
It's been three months;
I still hear your name.
It's my fault for leaving,
But I wish you had stayed.
I don't think you care;
It's good that I'm gone.
I hope you're not lonely,
But I feel so alone.
Why does it hurt?
Just get out of my head.
I still cry in the shower
And hide in my bed.
I still read those words
That eat at my heart;
It's more than "for now,"
And more than "apart."
Why do I do this?
Why can't I let go?
You mattered more
Than you'll ever know.
I shouldn't talk to your sister;
I shouldn't talk to your mom.
I don't know why they stay
When they know that you're gone.
Is this normal now?
Will this pain last forever?
Will I still miss you
In warmer weather?
I hate goodbyes;
You know that I do.
I hate the goodbye
That I said to you.
If it crosses your mind
To be friends again,
Please say something;
I didn't want it to end.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

This Is Not A Song

I usually post songs, poetry, whatever you want to call it. This is not one of those. This is a serious post.
You need to understand something.
Depression and Anxiety are not romantic. They are not a trend. They are not made up. They aren't something you can keep in your pocket and pull out when you want attention. They're real.
People who don't have or understand Depression and Anxiety often make misguided attempts to cheer those who do up. They might try to tell us that "it gets better." But here's the thing: It really doesn't.
You believe that the sun will set every night, because so far, every night, it has set. You believe the sun will rise every morning, because so far, every morning, it has risen. I am just as sure that my Depression and Anxiety are not going anywhere, and yet, because you aren't experiencing it, you think I'm just being negative or crazy.
But they don't go to sleep when I go to bed. They don't lift off of me with the blankets when I get up in the morning. They don't take Christmas or weekends off. They don't clock out when I clock into work. They don't take a vacation when I go on a road trip. They don't get thrown out with the wrapping paper on my birthday. They have outlasted friendships, and some friendships they've had a hand in ending. They've sat on my shoulders throughout books and movies and recitals and car rides and classes and church services.They have whispered criticism in my ears whenever I've said or done or failed to do anything. They've laughed and argued whenever anyone has tried to compliment me or tell me they love me.
So don't tell me it will get better. Some days I will be strong enough to fight through it, and some days I might not be, but it won't go away. That is what I'm living with, but I am still alive.
Don't stare me intently in the eyes and ask me how I'm doing every time you see me. Don't try to fix me, and for God's sake don't treat me like a child. I am not glass, and you are not God. You can neither fix me, nor do you need to tip-toe around me to avoid crushing me.
The Depression and Anxiety aren't going anywhere. But I am not my Depression and Anxiety. I am not perfect, and I am not innocent, but I am not defined by the darkness lurking inside of me. I am human -- just as human as you are. Remember that.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Miss Mary

A song I wrote a year ago and apparently never posted. I like this one. If I hadn't forgotten about it, I would have put it in "The Words."

Oh Mary, Mary,
Your garden hasn't been growing lately;
You thought by now you'd be married with a child.
But the only thing growing is weeds,
And you haven't seen your love in awhile.
Oh darling, it's not your fault;
Eventually he'll come around.
Oh darling, it's not his fault;
He's just been out of town.
Winter comes, and it's no surprise
That with the freeze your flowers die,
But Spring will come around again,
And you'll be back to gardening.
Oh Mary, Mary,
Oh my darling,
Don't you cry.

Monday, May 1, 2017

"The Words" on SOOP!