Today

I'm not talking to anyone,
It isn't only you.
And if I were to talk,
I'd only say things that aren't true.
I won't admit I'm not okay,
Or that you'd care if I'm not.
I thought I had things figured out,
But I'm worse now than I thought.
I saw a face today
That I didn't want to see;
It reminded me I'm someone
That I don't want to be.

Who I'll Never Be

You think that I'm better

Than I'm ever going to be,

And when you're looking at me

I'm not really what you see.

You say things that I'm not sure

I believe you can believe,

And even if you do,

There's no way I can agree.

I'm boring and frustrating,

And I'm always in the way,

And when you want to talk

Is when I have nothing to say.

I don't mind being with friends;

I mind my friends being with me.

The person that you think I am

Is only who I wish that I could be.

Great Grandma

Did you say all that you meant to
Before the curtain closed?
Or did you feel so much more
Than we'll ever know?
You were an amazing person;
One of the very best.
You were here for part of my story;
I wish you could hear the rest.
I miss your smile most;
The smile you had for all.
Now I can only see it
In pictures on the wall.

I'm Leaving You This Letter...

I'm sorry that I hurt you;
Please know I never meant to.
I lost myself,
And you're the one who payed the price.
I'd go back if I could,
But wishing does no good,
And I'll do anything
If I can set things right.
You're not safe around me;
It's better if I just leave.
I'm leaving you this letter
Because I can't bear to say goodbye.

I Love You, I Love Them

I don't think you're wrong;
I don't think you're right.
I'm stuck in the middle with my heart pinched tight.
You're not all right,
And your not all wrong;
I want to explain, but the words are gone.
I love them,
And I love you.
I wish you wouldn't hurt each other the way you do.
I love you,
And I love them,
And that's all I can say til the words come back again.

Thinking and Ideas

Shut the doors!
Lock them tight!
Let no new ideas inside!
Plug your ears;
Cover your eyes.
Let your fear make you blind.
Hold yourself back;
You don't mind.
Isn't it easier to just hide?
Try nothing new;
Don't let yourself grow.
Be born and turn old,
Die and decay;
Don't make the world better;
They'll forget your name.
Why should you care?
Oh dear, don't you know?
You're one of us too,
With a body and soul.
Why are you here?
What good is it all,
If you never grow,
And do nothing but fall?
But go on;
Don't mind me.
Just shut your eyes tight.
Don't think and don't dream,
And don't ever write.
Don't help anybody;
Just think of yourself,
And be "completely unique"…
Just like everyone else.
One long winter;
Don't mind the cold.
One endless night,
With no stars aglow.
Wishing in your last moment
That you had done more,
But still not really knowing
What you're doing it for.

Beauty

I'm trying to see the beauty in the world that's all around,
But the way we hurt each other, there's no beauty to be found.
I want to make you smile, but I don't know what to do,
So I wrap myself in blankets and sit and cry for you.
The world has gotten smaller, the older that I've got,
And after learning more, I know that I don't know a lot.
I'm trying to understand, but it's not making any sense,
And everyone around lives like it's of no consequence.
Maybe I'm too concerned about things that don't matter at all;
Maybe I'm mistaking big things for things that are very small.
I want to make it better, but I don't know what to do,
So I hide myself in the dark and I sit and cry for you.

Why I Disappeared

Our talks have been one sided
For much, much too long,
So I don't think that you'll notice
When I'm suddenly just gone.
I know sometimes you're busy;
I guess I've gotten in your way,
But six months become two years,
And I'm out of things to say.
There's no room for me in your world;
It's time I stopped pretending.
But nothing hurts me more
Than a friendship when it's ending.
I finally thought I knew you;
What did I get so close for?
We don't even say enough
To end in goodbye anymore.
Now there's only silence,
And I'm not sure if we're friends,
Or if we've fallen back
To just acquaintances again.
It's not that I'm angry;
You've done nothing wrong.
I'm just not sure why I'm staying
When you're already gone.

Where I'd Begin

What if I never wake up?
And worse, what if I do?
What if you're all I think about
And I never tell you?
What if I hurt myself?
What if I'm hurting you?
If you were me, be honest,
What do you think you'd do?
Sometimes I hate the sunlight.
Sometimes I hate the dark.
Sometimes I can't feel anything
Because I haven't got a heart.
I don't want to be lonely,
But I want to be alone.
I want to get out of here,
But I don't want to go.
Your smile breaks my heart,
And your laughter burns my skin,
And if I had to tell you how I feel,
That's where I'd begin.