Making Friends '15

It's so strange to call you friend,

When I've never heard you laugh,

And I've never seen your smile, 

And I've never shook your hand.

All I have are words

From the past four months,

And a little bit of trust,

And a little bit of fun.

I've told you things I shouldn't have;

Asked things I've no right to know.

I haven't met you yet,

And yet I miss you when you go.

We stay up late talking,

And I worry that it's wrong,

But then catch myself wondering

If you miss me when I'm gone.

I don't know why I trust you;

I don't trust easily.

I guess part of it comes

From you trusting me.

And I kind of want to meet you,

But I'm kind of afraid,

Because what if I'm not the friend

That you think you made?

Prayers

You're the kinda crazy

I like just enough

To put up with you

Night and day.

And I don't have all the answers,

But I still have some prayers left,

And I know that you're praying for me.

And I don't know how to cope

If you take away my hope,

And I just need to know

If you feel the same.

And I won't know how to cope

If you take away my hope,

And I just need to know

If you feel the same.

And I don't know how to cope

If you take away my hope,

And I just need to know

If you feel the same.

And I won't give up on me

If you don't give up on me;

If you don't give up on me;

Can you trust me?

Do you love me?

We don't have all the answers,

But we still have some prayers,

And I'm praying for you,

Because no matter what happens,

I'm always going to care.

Trying To Keep You Safe

I wouldn't call it giving up,

But it's time I let you go.

I've cared so much I cried at night,

But you don't need to know.

I don't know where it's coming from,

But it needs to go away;

I have to choose between loving you,

And trying to keep you safe.

Yes, my love, I trust you,

But I can't make you my crutch;

You have a life also,

And I'm treating you as such.

So I can't tell you everything,

If you really have to know,

And I'm not forsaking you,

Just... giving you space to grow.

If I can't stop from feeling,

I'll just keep it inside,

And though you'll never hear it,

This is my goodbye.

A Walk

Walking down the sidewalk,

My mind a perfect blank.

For a moment I don't care

What other people think.

The sky and trees and ground

Are everything I need,

And nobody I pass

Can take them away from me.

I wonder for a moment

If I'll ever go home,

Because with other people

I start to feel alone.

And I don't know how to tell you

That you're everything,

But even if I never do,

At least a girl can dream.

And if a dog passes,

I might just say hello,

And smile at his person

Before I let them go.

The sunshine makes me happy,

And the flowers, 

And the heat,

And if the swing set's feeling lonely,

I hope that we meet.

Your Hat

Well, this song pretty much sucks. This is what happens when you just want to write a song about someone putting a hat on your head, boys and girls. XP XD

I'm ready to go home,
But it's too soon to leave.*
I can't help but wish
You'd come sit across from me.
I don't know why I'm here;
I never should have come,
But it's not too late to prove
What I just said is wrong.
Come hang your hat on me,
And try to make me laugh;
All the lonely will be worth it,
If you just treat me like that.

The crowd feels thick as honey,
And the noise just seems to grow.
Even my closest friends
Feel like people I don't know.
I know I put myself here,
And I pushed them all away,
But a little voice inside me
Is begging them to stay.
I wished that you'd come over
And put your hat on my head,
Like in some kind of book
That I'm better for having read.

I have to close my eyes,
Just to keep myself sane,
But if you'd talk to me
You could take away this pain.
I'm dreaming of the things
That I would say if I could,
But I can't get out the words
That I know I should.
Put your hat on my head,
And maybe it will work again.
*Remind me what I mean
When I tell you you're my friend.*

*But it's not time to leave?

**Remind me what you mean when you tell me I'm you're friend?

Finally

(This has been waiting to be edited and it never was. It got tired of waiting for me and decided to tell its story itself.)

I give up;

I thought you cared,

But I don't anymore.

Honestly

Honesty

Is all I can afford.

Honesty and silence,

And a lack of self esteem,

Because every bit of pride I had

Was stripped away from me.

The happiness I felt

Wrapped in a warm hug;

The joy of loving someone,

And knowing I was loved.

The things I liked, like Christmas,

Easter, and Halloween...

Suddenly even everything

Means nothing to me.

How You Can Show Me That You Care

I think one of my biggest problems is I read to much into things. It's one of the reasons I'm so sensitive about being touched, I suppose. I've had trouble trying to explain my feelings on the subject to my friends, and it's lead most of them to think I just don't like being hugged or like dancing. I guess mostly I'm just not comfortable with how lightly they take those things, or how they don't seem to think they mean anything. I've always kind of felt like there's a reason behind everything we do, especially when it comes to how we deal with our fellow human beings -- both verbally and physically; you don't just hug or dance for no reason. I tend to wait for the right person to dance with or the right circumstance for hugging, which sometimes makes people think I'm cold and uncaring or don't like them or something. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. Anyway, here's this thing I wrote. XP

Don't touch me unless you know me;

Really know me, inside out,

And know what you're touch is saying --

Really saying, with no doubt.

It's not the hugs or hand shakes

Or the dancing I don't like;

It's the emptiness of meaning;

The blankness in the eyes.

It's the never ever knowing;

The not being understood.

Your touch is saying something,

So make it something good.

Don't stand too close to me;

Just give me room to breathe.

If I run off give me a moment,

Before coming after me.

I might be a little lonely;

I might need someone there,

But not at every passing moment.

That's how you can show me that you care.

I Said That I'd Be There For You...

I said that I'd be there for you,

But I can't keep you safe;

If I want to protect you,

Then I must go away.

I hurt people;

I hurt them,

Even when I care.

And the only times they need me

Are the times when I'm not there.

I can't say goodbye,

Because you'll never let me leave,

And the pain reflecting in your eyes

Will make my soul break and bleed.

I promised I would be there,

Like you've been there for me,

But you're better off without me;

At least, that's how it seems.

I'm nothing but a shadow;

A little patch of dark.

An icy patch,

A slippery patch,

A cold and dangerous mark.

My good is insignificant,

But my harm cuts sharp and deep,

And just knowing I could hurt you

Is making me lose sleep.

I said that I'd be there for you;

I'm so sorry I can't be.

But I have to leave while I still can

Leave you happy memories.

What It Means To Hurt

I'm filling up with words

That I'm never going to say.

Turns out I was right;

No one's going to stay.

You disappear so quickly;

As quickly as you come,

And you almost had me thinking

That you would be the one.

The one who finally stayed.

I'm filling up with lonely

While I'm crushed by the crowd,

But there's a smile on my face;

I keep faking it somehow.

People carry on,

Carry on with their lives,

Acting as if they don't know;

As though everything's alright.
So much blood on our hands;
So much guilt in my head.
So many thinks I can't put into words;
So this is what it means to hurt.
I'm spending energy I don't have,
But it doesn't make sense,
Living like that;
Not wanting to move.
Barely able to breathe.
So choked up that you can't speak.
I look in the mirror,
And who do I see?
A total stranger that they say is me.
Who am I?
Who should I be?
How can I live
With so much dead in me?

It's Best If I Just Leave

(This is -- was -- the better song I thought up the other day. Or what's become of it. I loved this song, and now it feels like I killed it. I'm pretty sure it's almost completely different from the original. I want to tweak it and try to perfect it, but I probably never will because I'm afraid of making it worse. XP Oooooh well. Take it as it is. Maybe someone will love it and bring it back to life. Oh, and it's not a happy song, +Alena Grobien, so don't say I didn't warn you.)

You say that you'll love me

Forever and a day.

You're always going to be here;

You'll never go away.

You're honest and you're faithful;

You'll never lie or go astray.

So you say;

Or so you say.

But people lie or make mistakes;

Our hearts and minds tend to change.

We forget the things we say,

And break the promises we made.

We fall down or lose our way,

And it's so hard to trust anyone these days;

Maybe it's best if I just leave.

You love every word I say,

And the silence when I'm thinking.

You love the way I tilt my head

When I'm listening to you.

You love my nose, and my eyes,

And the way I bite my lip.

So you say;

Or so you say.

But people lie or make mistakes;

Our hearts and minds tend to change.

We forget the things we say,

And break the promises we made.

We fall down or lose our way,

And it's so hard to trust anyone these days;

Maybe it's best if I just leave.

You love pretending to fall asleep

Just to catch me watching you breathe.

You love walking in the cold,

So you can offer me your coat.

You love grabbing things I can't reach;

How I stand on tip toes to kiss your cheek.

So you say;

Or so you say.

But people lie or make mistakes;

Our hearts and minds tend to change.

We forget the things we say,

And break the promises we made.

We fall down or lose our way,

And it's so hard to trust anyone these days;

Maybe it's best if I just leave.

I love the way you hold my hand,

Like you're always ready to protect me.

I love the way you laugh,

Or purse your lips when you don't agree.

I love the way you read out loud,

Or wash the dishes when I'm too depressed to breathe.

I love you;

I love you in every way.

But people lie or make mistakes;

Our hearts and minds tend to change.

We forget the things we say,

And break the promises we made.

We fall down or lose our way,

And it's so hard to trust anyone these days;

Maybe it's best if I just leave.

It's so hard to see the tears in your eyes

As you watch me walk away,

And you're holding an umbrella,

So I know it's not the rain.

I hold out your coat,

But you won't take it from me,

Even though it's yours,

And you look like you're freezing.

You don't speak, or look at your feet,

But most of all, you don't leave.

Why am I doing what I'm doing,

When it feels like a mistake?

Because people lie and go away,

And I'm so afraid one of us will change;

That we'll forget what we said,

And break the promises we made.

I've fallen down; I've lost my way,

And I don't trust myself to keep you safe.

Maybe it's best if I just leave;

I can't hurt you if I leave.

It's best if I just leave;

It's best for you if I just leave.

But you'll always be a part of me.